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Horoscopes 11/9/06

Aries Though your hot new British wife is witty, loving and still has most of her teeth, you will have a disturbing glimpse into your future after her first home cooked meal when you realize that you accidentally ate your napkin with the casserole, but couldn’t tell the difference.

Taurus Your Capri slacks project indecisiveness. Make a choice. Take a stand! It’s either pants or shorts. You just can’t have both.

Gemini After badgering Andy at Uncle Louie’s for a shot of Scotch and Bar-B-Q sauce, he will view your subsequent shrieks, teary curses, and cayenne speckled snot bubbles with more amusement than pity.

Cancer Driving the Chrysler home from Ryans with Mabel and your grandkids, you will glance briefly into a world you will never know. You may observe the slovenly, drunken man on all fours in a churchyard with his pants around his ankles, who is dangling his reproductive organs in front of a yard spotlight that casts the phallic shadow up onto the church for passing traffic… but whatever you do, don’t stop the car.

Leo Leo, it’s like my buddy Tom says: if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But, if you teach the man to fish …he’ll never show up for work.

Virgo You listened to one of Brezny’s lovey dovey predictions again, didn’t you? And what did it get you? A date with a woman with skin like pleather upholstery and hair like a Vulcan. That guy has about as much business in astrology as a shirtless guy with a colostomy bag has in a mosh pit.

Libra Be careful not to take too many liberties with creative slang. I know that you meant “Preemie” as in “Primo” or “first-rate.” But, Libra, you probably won’t sell too many of your new Creamy Preemie snack cakes, considering that your bakery is located across the street from a children’s hospital.

Scorpio To document your weird life, save all of your answering machine messages indefinitely. When one machine is full, simply buy a new one to record fresh messages. In 20 years, your garage half filled with answering machines you will enjoy blowing the dust off of one, and listening to the time your then girlfriend faked an orgasm for 8 minutes followed by your mother reading a random passage from Nostradamus.

SAGITTARIOUS I warned you to be careful with that home liposuction kit, didn’t I? You shorted the thing out halfway through your session and now it looks like you’re wearing half of a fat suit.

Capricorn You will develop an irrational fear of Roy Clark. To cut down your chances of ever running into him, avoid all bales of hay, tall stalks of corn, or overly “southern” women with fake freckles telling bad jokes.

Aquarious Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.

Pisces Be kind to the elderly this week, Pisces. –Psst. Help… Me. The old guy over there. No! Don’t look at him— Um… and would it hurt to call your grandmother this week? And stop listening to that rap music so loud. –Keep smiling. The elderly are watching. They’re everywhere.— Maybe, wake up early to help Grampa in the yard. – Watch yourself, Pisces. Retribution will come on a swift walker. Go! Send help! While you still can.