Greenville's free alternative weekly

ltr’s June 21, 2006

Dear Ad Mobile, There’s something not right about a moving billboard that uses unnecessary gas during these trying times. It’s like you’ve found a way to combine the two most obnoxious ways to destroy our surroundings: the visual eye sore of billboards with vehicle emissions, which are the number one contributor to global warming. Thanks for letting us know who the least environmentally conscious companies in town are. And I know what I’ll be thinking when I’m out in the blistering, smog-choked heat of traffic: this melanoma was brought to me in part by Ad Mobile. Columbia City Paper

Dear Rick Quinn, We thought you were a fighter! We’re disappointed at your decision to avoid a runoff against Thomas Ravenel for the state treasurer seat. Remember wrestling Greenville Rep. Daniel Trip outside of Uncle Louie’s in March? That fearless display was great and now we can’t understand why you would be afraid of Thomas Ravenel. Must be because he was the captain of his wrestling team in high school. Tell you what, to give you a chance to defend your heavyweight title, let’s schedule an exhibition Jell-o wrestling match for you and Ravenel at Uncle Louie’s. Proceeds can go to your favorite charities. What do you say? Columbia City Paper

Dear SunCom, Don’t worry about too much bad press, our contract runs out in November of 2007. Since it would cost $1,200 to terminate our contract, we’ll just keep our readers updated on your service until then. In the past 48 hours we have recorded 16 dropped calls. Our attorney thinks that your service constitutes a breach of contract but he’s a little busy with USC violating open records laws right now. Maybe USC’s director of communications, Russ McKinney, owns a SunCom cell phone and that’s why he doesn’t return calls. Columbia City Paper

Dear Recently Engaged, You poor sap! The big league nagging, God help you, will start in about three weeks. After the vows and once you’re officially a “lifer,” things like the heat dry on/off button on the dishwasher will threaten to destroy your relationship. Then you’ll start to see people that she used to date. Everywhere. Are we still on for frisby golfing? Oh, you promised her you’d shop for curtains? …Just kidding! Congrats! -Columbia City Paper

Dear Thomas Ravenel, If we had a “Political Quote of the Week” section you’d be right at the top with this remark to The State about the GOP state treasurer’s nomination for the June 27 runoff: “That’s how I operate. That’s how I roll. That’s how Thomas Ravenel rolls.”

• Charleston developer Thomas Ravenel, on the campaign trail for S.C. state treasurer “That’s how Thomas Ravenel rolls.” (On a duel man-cycle, right behind Andre Bauer) Columbia City Paper

Dear MySpace Users, Here’s a bulletin: Interactive email is useful and fun, but do us all a favor and keep your internet life on the internet. If you’re out at the bar and talking about MySpace.com, then you’re missing the opportunity for real human interaction. Trust us, a person’s online fantasy persona is much less interesting than the actual person. It’s great for stalkers, posting porn links, and pretending you have friends, though. Will you be my friend? www.myspace.com/columbiacitypaper Columbia City Paper

Dear Jealous Boyfriend, Afraid you will lose the girl of your dreams? Then you’d better start acting like a jackass: that’s sure to keep her. Go ahead and tell her who she should and shouldn’t talk to, get her email password, read the text messages on her phone and her call logs, and be sure to ask her where she was last night. Nothing says “I love You” more than the Orenthal J. Simpson form of communication. Columbia City Paper

Dear Crotch Rocketeers, Nothing screams, “I’m compensating for a little wee-wee!” more blantantly than weaving through Assembly Street traffic on a plastic motorcycle at 80 mph, shirtless, across summer asphalt hot enough to fry bacon on. If you feel a need to thin the herd, at least do it on a back road so you don’t hurt anyone besides yourself. Or better yet, why don’t you ride a chopped Harley like a big boy? Columbia City Paper