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LTR’s from June 7, 2006 issue

Dear Residents of Governor’s Hill,

After you’ve paid so much property tax and furthered the positive gentrification of the downtown area, the least the city could do is cover the upkeep of your roads and storm drainage. We’ll follow this story closely and hopefully won’t find the neighborhood is built upon an old Indian burial ground, to boot. Ever seen Poltergeist? Anyway, sleep tight! -Columbia City Paper

Dear South of the Border (the real one, not the trucker-stop theme park off the interstate),

We thought you were really cool in late April when you decriminalized the possession of heroin, cocaine, marijuana, peyote, LSD and ecstasy for personal use. But then as soon as the U.S. started making a fuss, you turned around and took it back. What’s the deal? We think that sends the wrong message, hombres. So not only can the U.S. influence Mexican citizens that are in the States but they can also influence how Mexican citizens act…in Mexico as well? El Presidente, get on that.

• Columbia City Paper

Dear Golf Plaid Shorts, Wow, those shorts tell us you have a great personality and a sense of style from back when the 80’s first did a play on the 60’s. Personally, we’re hoping to see Converse hop on the “geriatric thing” and release a hip new ironic orthopedic shoe.

• Columbia City Paper

Dear Art Major, If you live with your parents in rich suburbia you can’t consider yourself a starving artist. Get a job & play Weezer cover songs during your lunch break at Earth Fare. Columbia City Paper

Dear W Sticker, Turn that sticker upside down for McCain or sideways for Elizabeth Dole. It’s time you realized that you made the same bad call that the “baby on board” people made in the 80’s. Here’s our offer: mail in ten W stickers to our office at 701 Gervais Street Suite 150-218, Columbia, S.C. 29201 and we’ll hook you up with a free subscription by mail from Columbia City Paper. Columbia City Paper Dear roommate, It’s your turn to wake up at 6am to roll the garbage can out so we don’t get fined by the City of Columbia. …And please get your socks out of the microwave. Columbia City Paper Dear E-Payment, Thanks for the convenience of paying our bills online. We also like the fact that whether you are the electric company or Discover, there happens to be “maintenance” on your web site on the days close to the due date. We couldn’t think of a better scam to collect more interest fees, late fees, and profits. Maybe consumer complaints like ours should be filed with the Federal Trade Commission at econsumer.gov. Columbia City Paper

Dear SunCom, We are always really impressed by the customer service in the cell phone industry, but you really take the cake. When we told customer service more than 60% of our calls drop, we were asked in a accusatory manner, “So why is this the first time you called, if this has been happening for 4 months?” While we were excited to be transferred to yet another customer service rep, the call, of course, DROPPED! We were especially impressed that all the third operator could do was take payment. I mean, the options for me to pay a $400 bill are endless: at the store, by mail, on the phone, or online. But your customer service is an endless string of transferring and holding. Even though there are plenty of minimum wage jobs that don’t involve screwing people over, we think your raw commitment to blaming the customer is admirable. So thanks for offering us the “option” of paying $1,200 to cancel service. It’s another SunCom “We Get It” cutting edge business philosophy. Columbia City Paper.

Dear Warner Montgomery, In a June 2 Columbia Star article about a recent trip to the mall, you wrote “[the black patron’s] heel-dragging walk said, ‘I ain’t in no hurry to get nowhere, and you ain’t gonna make me.’” I’m sure the perpetuation of racial stereotypes will really expand your readership past the blue haired old lady demographic. Stick to beating Free Times on local government and don’t try to comment on African American culture. Besides, when your readers are at the mall, they just stand there with their canes on the escalator, reeking of mothballs and cheap scotch and I’m like, “ This isn’t an amusement park ride, bitch.” -Columbia City Paper