Greenville's free alternative weekly

LTR’s July 19

Dear “Bum A Smoke?” Guy, Hey, can I just siphon a gallon of gas? How about you buy me a beer? Or give me a piggyback ride? Will you get me half a sub sandwich and let me crash at your house to do laundry? Better yet, why don’t you just buy your own f!#king pack? Columbia City Paper

Dear Bored College Students, Here’s a game idea that no one should try. Two teams with three to five people each rendezvous at a location in the city and plan to return there with the most political signs in exactly 20 minutes. A sign with Andre Bauer’s pretty-boy goofy smile is worth double. Of course, the losers have to buy drinks all night. This is strictly a rhetorical scenario and, of course, we strongly advise our readers to take no part in anything remotely similar to what you’ve just read. We would never think of posting camera shots or printing your team name and tally in our paper, no matter how many e-mails we got. Never… Columbia City Paper Dear Ultra Tan, We’ve had a couple people warn us that you go willy-nilly with the automatic draft from people’s personal bank accounts. Considering that you’re essentially micro waving these people with harmful UVA rays that are two to three times more powerful than the sun, the least you could do is refrain from charging them double for the basal cell carcinoma. Columbia City Paper

Dear Recently Divorced Housewives, The Vista is where you need to go. Anytime anyone sees a nicely dressed 40-something, urban-cougar-looking woman at a bar in Five Points, they think she’s either a SLED agent, a chaperone, or an overzealous sorority house mom. On the other hand, if you take that scenario and kick it to Gervais Street, you’ll probably be only three Cosmos in before you’re not paying for your own drinks. With that knowledge and just a little luck, you’ll be catching a morning cab from University Oaks in no time. Columbia City Paper Dear S.C. Rep. Scarborough, Nice work getting arrested for pointing a 9 mm handgun at two SCE&G workers the night of July 15, in your parents’ back yard. Even though you were charged with two counts of assault with intent to kill after accidentally shooting a bullet into your porch, we think your lawyer John G. Altman has a point when he said, “I want to teach SCE&G a lesson.” You should see what the power company did to the Eau Claire neighborhood here in Columbia. Tell you what; if you get off for this one, come on out to the capital and we’ll buy some booze and go cruise by the sub station on Colonial Drive at James Street just for kicks. Columbia City Paper

Dear Liberty Tap Room, Holy meat market! Gold diggers here, gold diggers there. I feel like I’m watching the female whore Olympics. Who can get dressed up the nicest and land a rich man in under 15 minutes? I guess the person with the most free drinks and the key to the Hampton Inn room of the married traveling salesman is the winner. Columbia City Paper

Dear Jessica Biel, We recently learned that you are participating in a “Win a Date With Jessica Biel” contest to raise money for a Colorado teenager who lost her leg in tragic prom night limousine accident. Will some of that money go to the other kids that night, whose prom was ruined by all the screaming and the blood? And, CCP staffers have decided that if one of us wins the date, you have to promise that we won’t be taking a limo. Columbia City Paper

Dear SunCom, We just wanted to remind you that our contract isn’t up till November of 2007 and we’ll keep our readers informed until then that your cell phone service does not work in the Columbia S.C. area. Usually an unhappy customer tells nine people, but in this particular case we’ll be telling approximately 50,000 people each issue. Do you get it? Columbia City Paper