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LTR’s from 9/14/06 issue

Dear “Bad Touch” Boss, I know its an accident every time you spill water on my chest every time I wear a white blouse and I’m sure its just your cell phone brushing up against my rear end in the break room. Columbia City Paper

Dear Cadillac Dealers of Columbia, Columbia City Councilman E.W. Cromartie totally plugged you, giving you all a big shout out at last week’s meeting. In case you missed it, he said, “…when you drove through [the former Roosevelt Village] the drug dealers would come up to your car— especially if you drive a Cadillac— and that’s what I drive.” Awesome, huh? You should totally hook him up with some phat rims. Columbia City Paper

Dear Gov. Sanford, OK, we’re probably going to be the only ones to call you out on this, but what the hell is with those new commercials with you acting all cowboyed up? You’re a frat-tastic preppy-boy from Sullivan’s Island, Polo, Rainbows and popped collar all the way. News flash: You can’t go from yacht captain to farmhand in 30 easy seconds just by trading in your boat shoes for some cowboy boots, blue jeans and a tucked in Carhartt— or…uh, if you’re Mark Sanford, maybe you can. Columbia City Paper

Dear Bad Date, Hello? Oh, haay. …Listen, I swear I tried to call. I guess maybe your cell phone was off. So, how’ve you been? Good, good. …What? Your family picnic? I’d love to, but I’ve got to… uh, shave my cat. …Yes, I do own a cat. I, uh, just bought him. …What? …Sorry, your signal is breaking up. Columbia City Paper

Dear Guy in the Beat Up Truck, Woaaah!! [SOUND OF BRAKES SCREECHING] Why do you have to come to a complete stop in a 45 mph zone to make a right turn?! Jeez, my coffee is all over the dashboard. I think I just saw my dead grandmother flash before my eyes. You’ve gotta learn to make that rolling turn before you kill somebody, Cletus. Columbia City Paper

Dear Columbia Smokers, Coble’s city smoking ban is almost here. You know how these things work. First it is a rain-soaked designated spot outside each building, then pretty soon it will be a fenced in pen in a centralized location in the city, then inevitably; internment camps. But hey, what better time for a smoke. Columbia City Paper

Dear Record Executives, City Paper would like to go on record and formally ask that you cease and desist production of all albums containing Phil Collin’s cover songs. We worry that a funk metal version of “One More Night” or “Fussudio” would lead to another rash of school shootings. Columbia City Paper