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Here’s Mike Serge’s picks but be careful who you wager with!

“Ah, it’s un-fucking-believable. He [bookie] got busted!”

South Carolina at U.N.C.

Point spread: South Carolina by 6.5

South Carolina controls its own destiny for the rest of season. Ah, the beauty of playing in the SEC. We do not have to rely on cubicle nerds plotting and knifing on who should be ranked number one and two. All we have to do is run the table the rest of the season and we could be playing in the BCS championship game. Florida and LSU (assuming we get a rematch in the SEC championship game) can be beaten. Calm down, I realize it’s a lot easier said than done and the thought of it is so crazy, I can’t believe I just committed it to paper. And, yes, churning it out every weekend in the SEC is comparable to sliding down a banister with the splinters turning the wrong way. Excruciating I know, the doctor could only muster these words: Jesus saves! Still… South Carolina will handle the Tar Heels easily. Yeah, North Carolina won last weekend against Miami, but the Hurricanes are not the Hurricanes of the early 2000’s. The only thing exciting about the ‘Canes this season is that their coach, Randy Shannon is the inventor of the dickskin condom, patent pending. I plan to pop some goof balls and lay some big money down on the Gamecocks. South Carolina rolls 42-17!

Wisconsin at Penn State

Point spread: Penn State by 6.5

Okay, jokes over. Somebody please return Anthony Morelli’s legs. It’s not possible for this guy to play quarterback with crutches sewn to his torso in place of his legs. Also, I have a chisel if anybody knows a stonemason. It’s a miracle this guy can throw at all with cinder blocks for hands. Tuck the ball and run with it or deflate it. Just don’t fumble it or throw it to the other team if your helmet is getting in the way, which it certainly looks like it is. Go to the equipment room and hollow out an oversized casaba melon. Please stop single handedly ruining Penn State’s season, Morelli. Please? Enough said. Wisconsin is overrated. We found that out last weekend as Illinois took it to the Badgers. Though Ron Zook can recruit and coach, Penn State will take this game. And although both these teams will struggle on offense (kind of like struggling to get out of bed after sleeping on your leg the wrong way), when Penn State plays at home on Saturday, Happy Valley becomes the third largest city in Pennsylvania and that will definitely play to ‘Lions advantage. It’s one of the toughest places to play in college football. Penn State wins 21-10.

Georgia at Vanderbilt

Point spread: Georgia by 7

I’m taking Vandy. They’re at home and Georgia sucks. I predict Vanderbilt will even upset Georgia 24-23. Before we finish up here, I want to introduce you to a section I have entitled “The Demise of a Human Being.” Oh, revenge is sweet. What you are about to read is the actual transcript of an answering machine message taped back in 2004. For all of you who’ve been following this column, you know what I’m talking about. For everybody else: I’m trying to track down the six grand I won on the biggest betting Saturday of my life, every cent of which was stolen by the bookie’s runner. Mind you, said runner was also a life-long friend of mine since grade school. I plan to replay the whole disgusting saga over the course of this season for your reading enjoyment and to give myself some sense of closure.

Message one: “Hey Serge it’s me. It’s, ah, 9:08 Thursday morning. Ah… just wanted to get in touch with you. Yeah… things aren’t really going so well for me right now. There’s all kinds of shit happening. I know I haven’t talked to you in the last couple of days. I finally got my cell phone back. Ah, it’s un-fucking-believable. He [bookie] got busted! They fucking subpoenaed me! …” TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

Record so far: 9-2. -Mike Serge