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A note to Ashley Yarchin of WLTX and more…

Dear wild animals in downtown Columbia,

We’re used to seeing an errant possum or two. Maybe a raccoon here or there. But, when coyotes start loping through subdivisions and oversized sewer rats strut confidently through Forest Acres in broad daylight, something is amiss. Nowadays it’s not uncommon to see barn owls and hawks swoop down to devour songbirds in Shandon. And what about the eight-point buck that found its way into a parking garage, got disoriented and did a header off the Klondike Building on Main St. a couple of weeks ago? Is there something going on out in the country that we city dwellers should be worried about? Or maybe you just migrated away from Barnwell County? Columbia City Paper

Dear Halloween pranksters,

There is no way you’ll be able to “roll” City Paper offices at 1737 Main St. (the big granite building at the corner of Main and Laurel). Nor will you be able to trick us by leaving a flaming bag of cat droppings in front of our big wooden front doors and yelling “fire” before running away. And if you see a City Paper staffer—we all plan to wear matching policeman costumes, though one of us may dress up like the mayor—we know you’re too chicken to hit us from behind with a cream pie. Columbia City Paper

Dear Rosewood community,

Anyone seen “Crazy Peggy” since she and her roommate had a bomb squad called on them a few months ago? We miss seeing her standing in the middle of Oceola Street, directing nonexistent traffic in sweatpants and a Tweety Bird shirt, her head completely shaved. Or shuffling down S. Maple at 8 a.m. with a floor lamp in one hand and a skillet in the other. Buying gas at the BP station definitely isn’t as fun without her haranguing customers from the curb. Whereever you ended up, Peggy, doubtless they have their hands full.

Dear Ashley Yarchin,

Nice pants suit. Columbia City Paper

Dear Christmas in October,

Lady, it is far too early for you to be dusting off your battery-powered musical Christmas tree sweater. And someone please tell me why retail outlets are already starting to display ornaments and plastic yard Santas. Can you people at least give the rest of us another four weeks? For the good of the community? I mean three solid months of Christmas music and egg nog is bound to cause someone to slip a Bing Crosby onto their iPod, drape themselves in plastic silver garlands and go nuts with a chainsaw.

Columbia City Paper