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I tell you, sometimes writing this stuff is like giving birth to a breeched silverback gorilla baby.

Aries

…Which is nothing compared to the difficulty you’ll have when you birth the real thing on a heap of straw in a back room at the zoo while the father munches bamboo leaves and hurls feces from his adjoining cage.

Taurus

Remember, Taurus, if at first you don’t succeed… you’re obviously a failure.

Gemini

“It Burns,” the searing ballad about a skydiver who falls through a cloud of acid rain and spends the rest of his short life liquefying alone in his bed, will catapult your death metal band, ClownPhart, to number 734 on the Scandinavian metal charts. To celebrate, wear your best fur and armor and take your bandmates out for a tin goblet of mead.

Cancer

Ladies, give the Asian guys a chance. Remember: good things come with small packages. …Uh, I mean in small packages.

Leo

Having wallowed with your science degree in the tepid waters of Columbia’s job market for the past 18 months, I’m happy to announce that you will finally find work as an exotic sustenance transfer engineer. (…You’ll be delivering Chinese take out, dude.)

Virgo

When your grandfather said that you could borrow his car while yours is in the shop for repairs next week, you had no idea he was talking about his miniature Shriner’s parade car. But, hey, at least you won’t have to worry about finding a parking space at the office, seeing as you can just carry the thing inside with you and prop in next to your desk.

Libra

Scientists recently concluded that the Confederate submarine Hunley sank because the crew forgot to close the top hatch. Welcome to South Carolina, Libra!

Scorpio

Follow my lead on the path the spiritual riches. I plan to give up Governing soon to take up booze and poetry, like an older, fatter Jim Morrison. Maybe grow my hair out, lie around like a monarch of old and rule the cosmos, man! “I am the gravy king! Superman wears Gov. Sanford pajamas!” …On second thought maybe I’ll forget the poetry part.

Sagittarius

Though your blind date will have breath like a water treatment plant and will bear a striking resemblance to Alan Alda in a wig and heels, the most disturbing moment of the evening will come when she somehow gets a piece of parsley stuck in her false teeth while they’re still in her purse.

Capricorn

Go through a McDonald’s drive thru in the nude to spice up your lunch break a bit.

Aquarius

Don’t get discouraged by the junk those guys will talk to you next week during a pick up basketball game in the park when you repeatedly trip over your own two feet. Just remember: you, too, are special …in a large forehead type of way.

Pisces

You will enter the bathroom to –WOAH! Sorry, Bauer! Pisces should’ve knocked first!