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City Paper’s Award Winning Journalists Write Letters To You, instead of the other way around…

Dear St. Patrick’s Day costume guy,

We see scores of you guys at the St. Patty’s Day festival every year. Shirtless, with green body paint smeared by the spilled beer dripping down your chest, left arm hung up in a shamrock festooned suspender, rainbow wig jerked askew and red eyes glaring from behind cheap novelty sunglasses, you stagger through the trash strewn streets calling out for a ride that left you two hours ago. “So what now?” you mumble aloud to a stranger. We say, screw it. You might as well funnel another beer before you find your car. Waoooooooooh!

Columbia City Paper

Dear stoned deli sandwich maker,

That’s a pretty accurate rendition of a Grateful Dead dancing bear you just did with the mayonnaise squirter on my foot-long turkey and swiss, but you know I’ve been standing here for like 10 minutes. Could you wipe some of that off? No! Not with your shirt, man! Okay, that’s fine, bro, you don’t have to hug me. I just really want to pay because I can’t tell if that’s the onion that stinks or you. Do I want a special brownie from the stock room? Um, looks like your coworker who’s drinking the ranch dressing over there finished them off already.

Columbia City Paper

Dear gas pump,

Where’s the button for 87? I just pressed a sticker and nothing happened. Look, if you could quit beeping at me for a second… No I don’t want a car wash. Yeah, great, I’m glad Coke is on sale inside. Last time I was here I got so frazzled by all these questions I drove off with the pump still in my gas tank. Shit, I’ve been pressing the start button for diesel the whole time! Do I want a receipt? “Yes.” …Okay, great, I’ll see the cashier inside.

Columbia City Paper

Dear novelty unicorn office calendar,

You were fun for the first three weeks of January, but now I just can’t take another day of you. If the last few illustrations have been any indicator, it appears that the artist will work purple skies, wizards, leaping dolphins and lightning bolts into all twelve months somehow. If I ever hang a new age dream catcher in the office, I hereby give my coworkers permission to bludgeon me with one of those crystal “dragon claw holding an orb” things.

Columbia City Paper

Dear Late Nite Value Menu,

Oh, you sweet, seductive maven, you. My mind says stop but everything between my ribs and my belt buckle is ready to go all night long! But, really I should go. If my girlfriend found out about this… No, really. (Giggle.) Stahhp it! You glistening, greasy cheap little strumpet. You want me to get super sized, huh? No, really, no. Yes! No! Yes, yes, you want a sundae on top, baby, huh? This has to be the last time. God, I can’t quit you baby! Come here!

Columbia City Paper

Dear “Anonymous” comment posters,

Funny how the most bitter, chicken shit comments on any blog or public forum always come from “Anonymous.” Alone at your laptop, nerd glasses sliding down your nose with the fervor of your typing, you chastise the world at large. And, apparently there’s a crabby global army of you on the rise. Central and South American sites suffer posts from “Anónimo,” the Greeks get snide comments from “ανώνυμος,” while the Dutch do web forum battle with “Anoniem.” It would be nice if everyone could gain the courage to simply stand behind what they say. Or are bylines only for the big boys and girls?

Columbia City Paper

Dear unlisted phone number service,

You have no printing costs associated with my number, no database entry, yet I actually pay you extra every month to not list it. A racket so simple… so brilliant; I tip my hat to you, Bell South. You are indeed living the American Dream.

Columbia City Paper

Dear SC Press Association,

We hold you in high esteem, we really do. But, we’ve got to ask: Doesn’t it grate an ethical nerve or two to only make your services available to the suckers who shell out $1,500 a year? What about bloggers? Some of them are doing better journalism than the pros. And to only hand out journalism awards to publications who essentially pay for them in association dues… come on guys. Remember, the Fourth Estate and all that? Just asking. Oh, yeah 87 members and how many awards do you give out? I can’t wait to get one when we can afford it, I’ll put it next to my Pizza Hut summer book club accomplishment certificate and my tee ball trophy.

Columbia City Paper