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Letters to you instead of the other way around…for March 28
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Dear trees and flowers, Enough! Zip it up, guys. It feels like a snot-green flower jizz sandstorm. Just walking through the parking lot seems more like stumbling onto the movie set of a flora-on-fauna porno. For human males, the panorama of short skirt season is ruined when we’re forced to view it through thick goggles and an allergy-free surgical mask. Our creative director has had one eye swollen shut for three days and can’t keep the pollen out of his beard long enough to typeset a headline. Have some decency, trees and flowers. I haven’t seen this much reproductive material inhaled since that TKE party on Greene Street in 2003. Columbia City Paper

Dear neighbor’s dog, What is it with you and that squirrel, dude? Do you think you’re going to bark it down out of that tree at 5:30 a.m.? Every. Single. Morning? Here’s a new game: see the ball near that freshly dug grave, er, hole over there, buddy? Do ya? Do ya? Go get the ball! Get the ball in the hole! Good boy! Now hold still… Columbia City Paper

Dear PETA, That last letter a joke, y’all! A horrible, tasteless joke! We wouldn’t hurt the neighbor’s dog. We love the furry little guy. We just meant that the pup would get the ball in the hole and be …sprayed with a water hose. Get it? That’ll teach the little rascal! Heh, heh… ahem, so, uh, what do you say we forget the little indiscretion above, go spray paint a Forest Acres lady’s chinchilla coat, then head out for a round of soy mocha chai? Columbia City Paper

Dear local DVD rental shop “back room,” Ding, dong “The Door” is dead! No longer will men feel creepy about asking for the key to unlock your XXX secrets while families browse for animated Disney classics nearby. No more bumping into ladies from church choir practice while exiting that infamous door with an armload of Vietnamese bondage films. No longer will dudes have to suffer the humiliation of casually stuffing Cornhole Cuties 15 into the middle of a pile of unassuming action flicks at checkout (none which he actually planned to watch) hoping that the grandmotherly cashier will scan it past without noticing. Thank you, Internet! Thank you, Al Gore! Columbia City Paper

Dear Columbia drivers, Congratulations for being named this month as the worst drivers in America by Men’s Health magazine. The national consumer publication researched accident and traffic statistics nationwide and found that everyone in the capital city needs to go the hell back to Driver’s Ed. But don’t take our word for it, here’s exactly what they had to say: “Ever watched a demolition derby? Spend a day in Columbia, South Carolina (and wear a helmet). Simply put, the city is lousy with bad drivers. And yet it is amazing that they manage to hit each other when you consider the width of the city’s 18th century roads. In other words a 737 could land there but cars can’t avoid bending fenders.” So keep up the good work and stay on your cell phones while staring at those COCKS shorts, y’all! Columbia City Paper