Greenville's free alternative weekly

Boy, oh boy, do I love Cheez-Its!

Aries

You will write a runaway country music hit called “Hot Pockets and Cold Beer” which will net you millions in royalties. Yet, softened by a diet of lobster and champagne your follow-up single will flop, you will go into debt and will ultimately come full circle, forced again to subsist—angrily, bitterly—on the microwave snacks that started it all.

Taurus

Try to work the phrase “He got it goin’ on” into at least one business correspondence a day. Trust me.

Gemini

That Thomas Edison was a real prick, huh? To conserve energy replace all traditional incandescent light bulbs in your lamps with more energy efficient gasoline-soaked flaming rags.

Cancer

Yesterday morning, you experienced the horror of waking up next to a woman who looks like Eleanor Roosevelt with no memory of the night before, so now… Oopsie, wait a sec! This horoscope is for next month. …Ugh, sorry, man. You’d better drink up, I guess.

Leo

You believe that corporate lobbyists have crushed democracy and the American Dream. But, what about those of us who have dreams to lord over the middle and lower classes or “serfs” with our dynamic new economic policy called “feudalism?” What about us, Leo? Try not to be so selfish.

Virgo

Talking directly into a high-powered fan will modulate your voice to sound like Darth Vader; sticking your face into the blades of an overturned riding lawnmower to say “Luke, I am your father” will land you in the plastic surgery ward.

Libra

Studies indicate that constantly checking your email throughout the day lowers your ability to concentrate and thus lowers your I.Q. so—oh, hold on… my crazy friend Dudley just I.M.’d some hilarious golf jokes. … HA-HA-HAAAA! “Then the priest asks, ‘Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?’” Oh, man, that’s priceless!

Scorpio

Not sure what to do with all that extra Vaseline? Be a good neighbor and polish every doorknob in your apartment building with it.

Sagittarius

Next weekend, while bending to remove a Totino’s sausage pizza from your oven after a night at Jillian’s, a freak blast of hot air will melt your purple novelty “8 Ball” contact lenses to your eyeball. Your career as a hotshot attorney thus ruined you’ll be forced to work the Jim Rose freak show circuit hawking corndogs.

Capricorn

Use common sense this week when adopting a hunchback to do your bidding. Sure, you should find one that will happily call you “Master” and lurch out into the night with a burlap sack and shovel to collect specimens for your unholy experiments. But, also consider one who can roast a brisket or take the kids to soccer when you need a day to yourself.

Aquarius

Boy, oh boy, do I love Cheez-Its!

Pisces

The old woman in the apartment downstairs will report to your landlord that you have a dog in the apartment. Little does she know that the clacking on your hardwood floors actually comes from your toenails.