Greenville's free alternative weekly

I don’t think this is working. …. Whoa, maybe it is. Okay, why did I just lick my computer screen?

Dear wedding gift registry,

Hmmm. Should I go with the decorative knit doorknob warmers for her or the Jeff Gordon signature four-speed weed eater for him? Goddamn it! If hadn’t waited until the last minute as usual. Now all that’s left are the novelty gifts they scanned onto the list. Well, hopefully this two-gallon drum of contraceptive foam will fit into my gift bag.

Columbia City Paper

Dear annual physical,

What a glorious time of year. Rubber gloves slapped on, various instruments lubed and prepped, the smell of rubbing alcohol in the air, cute nurses rushing around with trays of piss filled sample cups. Sure I sat in the waiting room for and hour and a half, but that issue of Car and Driver from 1998… well, no, it didn’t really help pass the time. But, it’s fine. Where else can I hold an intellectual conversation with a doctor about the perils of long hours, sleep deprivation and booze while sitting in my jockey shorts in an icy exam room with goose pimples popping up on my pasty white thighs?

Columbia City Paper

Dear self-hypnosis handbook,

I don’t think this is working. …. Whoa, maybe it is. Okay, why did I just lick my computer screen? I guess I’d better try to figure out what the trigger mechanism is. There goes my day. … And, I’m going to ignore what I just did to that potted plant.

Columbia City Paper

Dear 11-year-old daughter,

Hi, sweetie, Daddy just wanted to… wait. Is this your voicemail again? Oh, you pig! You rude, thoughtless little pig! I am going to come out there and I am going to straighten you out for pulling this crap again! Do you hear me? Not even your psycho Mom can stop me from dredging up this two-week-old joke! You demented, pig-tailed little twerp!

Columbia City Paper

Dear “Super Jiffy Quick X Press” oil change place,

I’m pretty sure this coffee was recently drained from an oil pan, there, Skeet. And, no I don’t need a new muffler. Dude, what were you doing at the back of the car anyway? You should have wrapped up this “half hour” service two hours ago. Here’s my suggestion: see that group of oil technicians slouching around the rack of tools drinking sodas? … No, the other group. Why don’t you quit trying to sell me new windshield wipers and have those guys close my hood?

Columbia City Paper

Dear Craig Melvin,

Sorry about that time our Managing Editor’s girlfriend heckled you at the bar in the heady days of this newspaper’s infancy. Your old producer Scott made her do it. But, you’ve done some pretty impressive reporting lately. That piece you did on the military medical personnel in Iraq was great, man. Seriously.

Columbia City Paper