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Urban spear fishing and cavity fighting pizzas

Aries Take a year or so to see the world. Clown school will always be here when you get back.

Taurus Phase Two has arrived, Taurus. Oprah, the Promised One, will fulfill her destiny and seize power in 2008. Loyal minions will receive a gift basket from Urban Nirvana.

Gemini Like a rum cake at an AA meeting, you are beset with conflicting interests. You must make a definitive choice: either keep your Grateful Dead bumper sticker or the “W: Still the President” bumper sticker that you have to display so Daddy will continue to make your car payment. You just can’t have both.

Cancer You are a shining beacon of hope for Special Ed. programs everywhere.

Leo Better late than naked, Capricorn. You did it again, didn’t you? Pants go on before the shoes.

Virgo Take up urban spear fishing to ease workday tension. Simply sharpen a length of bamboo, tie on a leather loincloth, head down to the Vista West Riverwalk, and wade into the river near the Gervais Street Bridge. Don’t worry about gawking joggers when you squat to devour your raw catch on the riverbank… they’re just jealous.

Libra Keep up those experimental hormone treatments, Libra. The braids in your arm hair have never looked so thick and full.

Scorpio Don’t let Spring hay fever ruin your upcoming job interview. Human Resources departments are known for their compassion and will understand when you show up in goggles and a surgical mask.

Sagittarius Your tenuous relationship with the yuppies in your neighborhood will be strained even further when you mistake a herd of weekend power-walkers for a Special Olympics marathon.

Capricorn Your new Xylitol-enhanced, cavity fighting pizza is tasty (if slightly unnerving). I can deal with the minty flavor, but the sparkly aquamarine sauce has got to go.

Aquarius At the pet supply store, your wife will glance at you and request “enough dewormer for all three of them,” even though –you will realize with a sinking feeling– you only have two pets.

Pisces You will suffer a pang of guilt when filling the food bowl of your mutant sibling that your parents keep chained in the attic. But, you will go back to your old habit of cursing and banging on the ceiling with a broomstick when “it” begins to wail during the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy.