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Shatner and space dumpsters

Aries Take a page from Shatner’s book this week and give back to the community by creeping into people’s houses to hop on their computers and lower their airfare and car rental rates.

Taurus Liberate yourself from the chains of propriety this week by speaking every single thought aloud. By doing that, you poor freak, I’m willing to bet you’ll be homeless or institutionalized by Tuesday. …See? I just said it! Man, that felt good!

Gemini Forget Spring romance. This is the season to celebrate the fact that you escaped the icy grip of neuroses and codependence. The last time I saw my ex was right after 9/11. …I recall she seemed kind of down for some reason.

Cancer Cancer, it’s a bitter coincidence that your zodiac symbol is the crab, considering what you ended up with after that night with the skeevy lead singer dude. Never trust a guy in leather pants.

Leo Every wondered why the line at your favorite Bar B Q joint always stretches around the block? Curious to know what sets their mouth watering ribs apart? …People! It’s people! Do you hear me?! The Bar-B-Q is people! I can’t live with it any longer! God help us, it’s people!!!

Virgo A slavish dedication to the 1980s will cause you to read Garfield every Sunday though you haven’t laughed in years.

Libra Remember how you pledged your undying love to your sweetheart under a shower of shooting stars last week? Turns out, that was really a space dumpster of trash reentering the atmosphere, dude. But, hey, when you get down to it there’s not much difference between a shooting star and two tons of flaming baby diapers rocketing through the mesosphere… right?

Scorpio I heard this quote at a bar recently, Scorpio: “I’ll bet if I took all the money I spend on booze and put it into stocks instead, I’d be a millionaire in ten years. … Yeah, but stocks don’t get you f–ked up, man.” The guy’s got a point.

Sagittarius Ophiuchus, or Serpentarius in Latin, is the ancient and little known 13th zodiacal constellation that falls somewhere between Scorpio and Sagittarius and translates literally to “serpent holder.” Since your birthday falls within this range, I recommend you move to Anderson County, take up a snake handling Pentecostal church and lead your people in the quest for secession from the sins of the Union.

Capricorn After all these years, I learned something new the other day, Cap. Did you know that when you’re in a busy physician’s office for an annual physical they have these little bathrooms off to the side for filling your urine sample? I’d just been filling it right there in the waiting room all this time.

Aquarius Want to know the way to legally act out your every bloodthirsty whim on innocent pedestrians? Join the L.A.P.D. riot squad. …What? I thought that was funny.

Pisces Begin plans to run for Anne Sinclair’s city council seat on a staunch “pro-cryptozoology” platform. Instead of blowing taxpayer money to line the pockets of sketchy organizations, you may as well allocate those dollars to search outlying areas of the city for Bigfoot or to investigate the U.F.O. that landed on the Convention Center recently. Hell, why not give the aliens some hospitality tax money, too?