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Love in a go-cart and the dreaded Mr. Tibbits

Aries As you know, Aries, our fine state is suffering the beginning stages of drought. Luckily, your habit of only bathing once every three weeks has you a step ahead of your neighbors in terms of water conservation. Kudos! I’d give you a hug, but, uh… yeah.

Taurus These breezy June afternoons always bring back memories of summer days spent on Grandma’s front porch. Like that sweltering weekday when, just for fun, we paid that destitute woman with the prosthetic leg to mow the grass. And Grandma and I sat back in the shade with tall glasses of lemonade and watched her limp and drag that beat up mower through the dry summer weeds and we laughed and laughed.

Gemini I think that no good husband of yours must be crazy! Why, if we lived in Uzbekistan I’d easily trade six goats and a yak pelt for a person as special as you. And you enjoy the theater, too? …By Jove, make it 8 goats and a mule harness!

Cancer You will unwittingly find (and make) love in a go-cart after spending an emotional day driving around with an airport parking lot attendant trying to find your car.

Leo The world’s oceans are in peril, blah, blah, blah. I don’t see what all the commotion is about, Leo. The sea still teems with stuff we haven’t decided to eat yet.

Virgo You know how cats always walk sideways and prance when they want you to pet them? The same rule apparently doesn’t apply to Senate subcommittee chairmen. Learned that one the hard way.

Libra You blew it last week! Do you think I would’ve made it this far if I forgot a key contact’s name? To help with your forgetfulness, I’d like to recommend a great book on memory loss. …Shit, what was that book called again?

Scorpio Even though you pretend to be put off by it, you secretly like it when construction workers whistle at you when you pass them in your micro skirt and heels. And that’s cool. That’s all you, my man. That’s all you, dude. Just don’t miss poker this Thursday.

Sagittarius Scientists recently discovered a rift in the space/time continuum that appears to manifest at Sonic drive-thru lines around 4:30 a.m. Minutes literally become hours, movement only visible through time lapsed film. Of course you’ve known of this dreaded phenomenon for years. But, what are you doing eating a chili slaw dog at that time of night anyway?

Capricorn During the night, when you were a kid, did the clothes in your closet sometimes appear to take the shape of a boogeyman? … Whew, I thought it was just me. Sometimes mine even appeared to be holding a video camera. And when it would light a cigarette it would cough just like Mr. Tibbits from next door. What kind of weird stuff did yours do?

Aquarius Single again for the first time in 40 years, you will soon realize that dancing cheek to cheek requires a completely different set of cheeks these days.

Pisces Happy days ahead! I see your future home adorned with festive yellow streamers, and … Oh, wait. I think that might be crime scene tape.