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Hey, Scooter! You did about as much time as Paris…

Dear Mr. Liddy, er, Libby, Hey Scooter! Gosh, you did about as much time as Paris. I wonder if you found God, too? Well, apparently it’s OK to lie under oath when it comes to national security and protecting a Nixonian administration (yet Clinton’s hummer was enough to start impeachment proceedings). So hit the golf course and enjoy your presidential pardon. I’m sure the American public will pardon Bush for this, too, like we’ve been pardoning him for the last seven years or so. Columbia City Paper

Dear local liquor stores, Why do the majority of you keep the Mescal hidden behind the front counter? If a man’s going to drink tequila there needs to be a worm in there. Well, it’s good to know it’s on Columbia’s shelves regardless. Until now, we’d been sinking dead cockroaches into our Pepe Lopez as a substitute. Columbia City Paper

Dear streaming radio, Wow, I haven’t heard this song in years! It reminds me of… oh, OK, great you need to buffer for 20 seconds. While we’re waiting I guess I should thank you for letting me suffer through the extended mix of “We Built This City (on Rock and Roll)” uninterrupted, though. Hey, all right! An… here we …go-a …gain! This site has more congested streams than the pisser at an old folks’ home. I’m just going to dust off my turntable and be done with it. Columbia City Paper

Dear wireless Internet pirate, Dude, just forked over the $40 a month for some DSL and a router. It could be months before someone moves back to within 300 feet of your apartment. Meanwhile Ricky and I are getting our butts kicked in Warcraft because the three of us were supposed to be a team. Where were at the big battle with Lord Kazzak, huh? Now we’re stuck in the Caverns of Time! Way to go. Columbia City Paper