Gov. Sanford's horoscopes 7.4.07
July 3rd, 2007
Life in the high tree canopy and mourning the loss of Liz Claiborne
Aries Life in the high tree canopy may be more agreeable to your lifestyle. There you can chatter wildly and eat insects far from the prying eyes of Main Street pedestrians and cops. Why don’t you find a tree and climb on up? You’re kind of giving the rest of us the creeps.
Taurus Yay! A gigantic raise will bring financial security, travel and the love of your life …to the jerk across the street. You didn’t think I was talking about you did you?
Gemini Gemini, I know you’re a federal agent and I support you all and everything, but if you eradicate every cokehead and pervert from the GOP… we, uh, won’t have much of a party left. Druggies and whoremongers have run this great country for generations. Whatever Ravenel may say under interrogation about other members of the local Republican Party, just let it slide, eh?
Cancer Your attempt to sneak out of your friend’s horrible independent film preview will be thwarted when your prosthetic leg sticks to the floor of the theater. To make matters worse, instead of asking for help, you will simply step out of it, hop away and come back for it later.
Leo Leo, your wife has long harbored a secret desire to run off with an Eskimo man and join an Inuit clan in the Arctic. She will fulfill this dream while you’re at work next week as she quickly packs her things onto Yvijak’s sledge. One lone tear will stream from under her whalebone snow glasses as she looks back at the home you once shared. Then she’ll pull her new husband’s seal fur parka around her shoulders as the sled dogs take a left on Woodrow and pull her out of your life forever.
Virgo You know that ass wipe who always speeds past the line of merging cars at highway construction sites and then tries to muscle his sports car in at the front of the line? Eight-year-olds, dude.
Libra A career change could really do you some good, Libra. I think I might get out of the governing business, myself. I’ve always dreamed of opening a French restaurant deep in the Appalachian mountains. With a tiki bar. And a leopard chained up in the corner that guests can wrestle for $5. And maybe a go-cart track with jumps. And a slip-n-slide out front for the kids. See? You’ve got to think big.
Scorpio Your boss will leave you an angry “Please don’t tape notes to the desk” note. Be sure to tape it to your desk so you don’t forget.
Sagittarius Still self-conscious about your pasty white legs, but have too much pride for a tanning bed and not enough time to lie out in the sun? Consider this: in roughly eight excruciating sessions you could have a perfect, even tan tattooed on your legs. If you really want to one-up your neighbors, tattoo your face and arms, too, to keep that bronze glow year round.
Capricorn You know how last Fourth of July that firework exploded next to your ear and left you legally deaf? Well, this year you should really be careful because … I SAID LAST YEAR DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIREWORK THAT BLEW OUT YOUR EARS? THIS YEAR, YOU’RE IN GRAVE DANGER … I SAID… NO! GRAVE DANGER! … Ah, forget it.
Aquarius Congrats! Next week you will become an internationally famous YouTube star. …Too bad it’s for that YMCA locker room thing. They’ve got cameras everywhere now, man.
Pisces Wear black pants-suits and Rayon blouses for the next two weeks to mourn the passing of Liz Claiborne. Better yet, make it mauve. She would’ve wanted it that way.
July 11th, 2007 at 10:00 AM
political class, coupled with the distribution charge - not solely possession - suggests that Ravenel was spreading the white wealth around. Governor Mark Sanford seemed apologetic, if not downright hesitant, to expel Ravenel from the South Carolina political administration, saying “These are obviously very serious allegations that we’re constitutionally bound to act upon, and they’ll ultimately be decided by the courts.” So, in other words, had the state constitution not outlined the firing of criminal politicians, he would not necessarily do it. One suggestion I would make is to have the Federal Election Commission look into Mr. Ravenel’s finances because it is not cheap to run for office in a statewide election and the business of selling blow tends to be a profitable one.
July 11th, 2007 at 10:03 AM
So T-RAV is out as Treasurer. Is anyone who knows the cat surprised? Ask anyone in the Holy City and you’ll find out that his proclivities are well known. The boy is a metrosexual who is known in Charleston, France and Central America to swing both ways. Rumor has it that his swinging lifestyle is fueled by cocaine, so his arrest for possession is no surprise. Those of us living along the coast are eagerly awaiting the details of T-RAV and his boys to come out. This will beat the Garden of Good and Evil for intrigue. Who else will be caught in the web? Ya gotta wonder.
July 11th, 2007 at 10:04 AM
How about the other local politicians and well known dignitaries that played in the snow with T-Rav. I noticed that the P&C has very little about this story, jeez I wonder why. Who are they trying to protect. I hear this story hits close to home with them, those in the know, know what I’m talking about. The party in the battery, the hidden cameras, those who flipped and mentioned names. A good investigative reporter could have a field day with this story and probably sell a screenplay. City Paper and The State-keep on top of this story because you own it. The P&C doesn’t want to get dirty with this one.
July 11th, 2007 at 10:06 AM
Governor Mark Sanford said “He performed all the functions of the treasurer’s office fine during the time that he’s been there,”