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Belt sanders and strawberry Astroglide

Aries When I said to immerse yourself in the wonders of salsa, I meant for you to take up Latin dance, not soak in the popular tomato-based sauce.

Taurus Don’t worry about what the other young priests say. There’s a poetic sort of grace in paying off your expensive theology degree with jackpot winnings from a Vegas brothel casino.

Gemini You will rethink your nudist philosophy after an unfortunate carpentry mishap with a belt sander.

Cancer Your dry spell will come to an abrupt halt when you begin dating a girl so freaky she considers strawberry Astroglide one of the five major condiments.

Leo You will find that when you’re drunk Duran Duran really holds up. When you’re sober …not so much.

Virgo When describing your homeboy’s new airbrushed Nikes and matching jump suit, use either “stoopid,” “dope,” or “fresh” to display your approval. But, only pick one adjective. Stringing all three together seems both excessive and needy.

Libra By dumb luck, you always seem to run into the same cute brunette at the precise moment you and your buddy happen to be buying a bottle of Merlot or picking up Tiger Lily bulbs for his girlfriend or a pair of pantyhose for a costume party. Does the brunette now suspect that the two of you are a gay couple? Oh, yes. …And I’m beginning to wonder myself.

Scorpio Instead of wasting all the expensive Noxzema hand cream you’ll spill next week, just spoon it into your roommate’s empty vanilla yogurt containers and place it in the fridge next to all his other yogurt for safe keeping.

Sagittarius All these modern gadgets are just a flash in the pan. As a scientist, you need to really push the envelope and reinvent the wheel. Like the guy who first carved ass grooves into seats. Now that’s ingenuity at work.

Capricorn Having dressed hurriedly in the pre-dawn light before work, you will realize with horror what happened to your daughter’s missing sock puppet art project when you take off your shoes at the gym and shriek to find the smushed corpse of Mr. Jingles grinning horribly from your left foot.

Aquarius Your life depends on this prediction and it is so important that words alone will not suffice. I’ll have to mime most of it to get the full point across:

…Did you catch all that?

Pisces Pisces, you should really make an effort to enjoy the plastic, fluorescent-colored fun of the clogs footwear craze. It’s like living the 1980s jelly shoe thing all over again! God, I totally have to hear some old Cyndi Lauper right now.