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Rubber pants and time-traveling dwarves

Aries To avoid another weird mix-up, next time a hippie asks if you’re into the “chronic,” don’t assume he means masturbation.

Taurus Everyone experiences a bump in the road of life sometimes. In your case, that bump will come quite literally in the form of a hitchhiker on a blind curve.

Gemini After weeks of romantic candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, nights at the opera and playful frolicking in the park you will think that you’ve found true love until you begin to notice her tendency to squat and take a dump on your chest during foreplay.

Cancer Hold on a minute, Cancer. …Hey! You want a piece of me, S.C. Senate Finance Committee? Yeah? Well, let’s take it out on the dance floor! Like this… Ugh! (Clap!) Woo! …You like these moves? I call this one the “filibuster.” …With a spin, bitch! These feet are coming at ya, Harvey Peeler! Yeah, you NEED this.

Leo You aren’t schizo, Leo. Pod people from outer space have been hypnotizing the human race through their televisions, abducting them at night and replacing them with alien clones. You are in fact the last uninfected human on earth… well at least until tonight’s rerun of The Jeffersons.

Virgo I’ve got to say, Virgo, as I stroll the State House grounds in the wilting summer heat, I notice that I enjoy the scent of scorched grass and the dark hue of shriveled leaves; that I prefer the flowers to be withered and damaged… just like your women.

Libra Next Tuesday, you will go on a time-traveling adventure through the Middle Ages with a band of smarmy treasure-hunting dwarves, who have stolen the map to the Universe’s time holes. …Yeah, I know it resembles the plot to Time Bandits, but what can I say? It’s your weird life.

Scorpio You will have one blueberry daiquiri too many at the beach house, will accidentally piss all over your father-in-law’s easy chair and blame it on your nephew’s “Radberry” Popsicle.

Sagittarius All these diet programs are overrated, Sagittarius. Man, just accept the fact that you will never lay eyes on your bait n’ tackle again and come to grips with the view of the hairy rounded top of your belly.

Capricorn I like the rubber pants and shirtless Iggy Pop thing you’ve got going there, Capricorn. I’m sure the judge at the custody hearing will dig it too.

Aquarius Welcome back, students. You will ace every class, land a fat job straight out of college, save the world, receive awards (having to vacation in Tuscany due to your fame in the U.S.), and will eventually retire with your large, loving family to a lush country estate where you will live out your days in comfort. …HAAA-HA-HA! Aw, man, I love that one. Welcome to debt and toil, kid!

Pisces Sick of your pet? Just remember: you have thumbs and a frontal lobe. Put him in a stew and forget about it.