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Open Letter to RNC Chairman Mike Duncan

By Jaroslav Dampfstain

Republican National Committee Att: Mike Duncan, RNC Chairman 310 First Street SE Washington DC 20003

August 15, 2007

Dear Mr. Duncan,

I am pained to allocate valuable column space to politics. Typically I write about social and entertainment issues with a comedic, edgy spin and a twist of theological consideration. I do not consider myself a political animal by nature—let me correct that: Before George W. Bush (President Dummkopf) was inaugurated on January 20, 2001, it would have taken more than a cigar up some White House intern’s puma to motivate me to tackle political issues at the keyboard.

I enjoy the poetry one finds in the Hebrew Scriptures. (Who doesn’t? Hell, I’ll bet even Hank Kissinger reads a psalm or two on occasion.) One of the formal elements of an Old Testament poem is synonymous parallelism; that is, the poet pens his or her lines in a twice-baked fashion, such as “God is sorely displeased with the Republican Party,” followed by “The rotted fruited plains of elephant politics have pissed off the Almighty.”

Such repetition is especially necessary when addressing RNC leaders, seeing as you (plural) haven’t listened to common sense since, oh I don’t know, Eisenhower. So let me rephrase the first paragraph: Until President Dummkopf ascended to power, I considered my personal politics to be that of fiscal ignorance and social repugnance. Hard to imagine anyone running on that platform, eh? (President Dummkopf’s political platform is one of complete ignorance, which is of slight, yet crucial, difference.)

Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan was a fundament (one may find embedded parallelisms in that word) of American politics for four decades. He espoused the theory that America was politically healthy so long as one party was in charge of Congress and another in charge of the White House. Honest to God, I used to believe such balance in Washington was best. Thus, I was as apt to vote for a ‘good’ Republican or a ‘good’ Democrat, so long as the D.C. power structure seemed geared to play ideological tug-of-war for another set of congressional and presidential terms.

I would add to Moynihan’s “American political prescription” that despite the powers held by the President of the United States (both real and imagined by President Dummkopf), the person who sits in the Oval Office is classically a figurehead; that is, the nation and the world looks to the U.S. president for pith and wisdom, for eloquence and locution, for security and solace. Despite their polar political positions, Presidents Clinton and Reagan best executed this role in modern times. The charisma and confidence exuded by each man created peace and prosperity, as often the world is held together by a filament semblance of order.

I do apologize for rambling. You see, I have an 1,000-word block of text to fill each issue. But what I really have to say only takes several hundred words. Here goes:

Until President Dummkopf relocated to Pennsylvania Avenue, my biggest political concern was that there were only two major parties representing the interests of all Americans. My presidential and congressional voting record consisted of Republicans, Democrats and Independents. For President, I usually voted for whomever I thought would best fit the bill as America’s public speaker of record.

But President Dummkopf has changed that. He is without a doubt the least intelligent man (I kindly call him that) ever to hold that crucial office. His fireside chats consist of endless malapropisms, and so the world now looks to the American President as it would a court jester (or as one once looked to Quayle-ean vice presidents). The compassionate conservatism President Dummkopf pledged has resulted in the demonic flubs of the Iraq War and post-Katrina New Orleans. This mental boob has called into his advisory tent such coeval dunces as Donald Rumsfeld, Alberto Gonzales, Michael Cherthoff, and Condoleeza Rice, each deserving of their own open letters.

As we near the end of President Dummkopf’s inarticulate reign of terror, the indictments on the wall are evident: illegal wiretapping, Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, Scooter Libby, signing statements, and a seemingly endless list of crimes of war and botched domestic duties. I’m not so naïve, however, to think that every two-term, lame duck president doesn’t normally have a laundry list of political not-so-pleasantries which become cannon fodder in upcoming elections. But there is something about President Dummkopf that has done me in—and here’s the really important phrase—FOR LIFE.

I’m not just going to vote Democrat in upcoming local, statewide and national elections. I’m going to vote that way FOREVER. Until my dying day. Even if Moses were to resurrect from Abraham’s Bosom and run with an “R” next to his name, I’d rather give my vote to Larry Flynt in nothing but a “D” codpiece.

To reiterate: I have previously voted for Republicans, Democrats and Independents. But you and your stuffed hurby-curby of a political party will never see anything from me again save the dust of my shit-encrusted sandals. I am sick of your lies. I am sick of your greed. I am sick of you sucking today dry of green for a hollow, brown tomorrow. And I am especially sick to death that you have trampled 200-plus years of national good faith and reputation. In eight token years, your party has traded Normandy for Dummkopf.

Okay, my time is up. I hope you understand what this means: President Dummkopf’s greatest political blunder is the removing of the scales from the eyes of countless American voters, who are likely to vote in a “never again” fashion until their dying day. Of course, I say “countless,” but soon enough you will in fact be able to count them.

I have a little space left. Like I said, politics is not my favorite topic. So while I have an open letter in the works, I’d like to address the dummkopf owners of every major cinema chain in the nation. Why the hell are you shoving all those commercials down my throat at the beginning of each movie? I paid money to get into the theater, did I not?! I guess you just want me to take all my movie-going business to Netflix.

Sincerely,

Jaroslav Dampfstain Columbia, South Carolina

Mr. Dampfstain is filling in for columnist Harry S. Iarch, who is composing an open letter to Sesame Street, lobbying for the removal of the letter “W” from the alphabet.