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Poor Wallace…

Aries You believe that global warming is really caused by an evil genius, who will soon reveal himself and hold the world ransom with his giant weather machine. The Senate, unfortunately, will reject your argument. I know; Gore already tried that one, too.

Taurus After you excuse yourself from Mrs. Shankles’ kindergarten class to wee-wee, your zipper will stick and she’ll have to stop crayon time, yank you out of the bathroom and zip you in front of the class, thus warping your sex life for the next 50 years.

Gemini In a moment of clarity, you will realize you’re not as high on the genetic totem as you once thought when you find yourself screaming, “I seen it! I seen it!” to a TV crew in regard to a tornado. You will then be wracked with sobs on camera due to the untimely demise of your pet chicken, Wallace, in said tornado.

Cancer Dude, when the hottie from the National Organization of Women asks to come watch a DVD at your place, don’t tell her that you’ve boycotted all movies containing actresses with a “no nudity” clause in their contracts.

Leo That’s not a new wind chime making all the racket next door. A group of Hare Krishnas just moved in.

Virgo If you want to get ahead in life, never ever name your penis. Or a car.

Libra A true freshman linebacker for the Gamecocks, you will propose that the team make their entrance to Williams Brice less imposing and more upbeat by switching from “2001” to Peter Cetera’s “You’re the Inspiration.” …Welcome to four years on the bench, kid.

Scorpio Exercise caution when choosing the fashion accessories you plan to wear while hanging out next to your car in the Hardees parking lot on Friday night. You’re a tad too pale and bony for that basketball jersey you always wear. You kinda look like Kid Rock and Smeagol had a love child.

Sagittarius If you want to make middle management at Bi-Lo you’ve got to stop banging the cashiers.

Capricorn There is an art to sleeping on the job. Unless, of course, you’re a prostitute. That’s just insensitive.

Aquarius You will be angered by your failing grades in English Lit and will plan to take it out on your professor in the faculty parking lot. Personally, I never hit a guy who’s wearing sandals. Now crocs… that’s another story.

Pisces You will realize that rolling out of bed and throwing on an ill-fitting Green Lantern T shirt may not have been the best attire in which to volunteer for the Special Olympics when the track coach, who’s been slapping your back and calling you “buddy” all day, hands you a number to tape to your chest.