February 27 11:06 PM

Mr. Meaner's Crime Watch

Published

Compiled by Corey Hutchins

29203 Texting, texting, 123…a 36-year-old woman is telling police that her quality of life is going down the shitter because a 34-year-old acquaintance of hers won’t stop texting her. Not only that, but the texting Tessa is sending her obscene messages and using vulgar language. We’re wondering when “Two girls, one cup” will be available through V-cast; 500 Summerlea Drive.

29205 A 44-year-old homeless man with no legs and who smells like a booze factory tells police this week that someone came up to him and hit him on the head with a “dark object” and then took off running. The cops say the victim reeks of alcohol, his story keeps changing, and is very inconsistent. They wheel him to the hospital to get checked out; 2300 block Pendleton Street.

29203 Ever see a cop car idling on the street and the officer making a phone call? Chances are he’s checking license tags for stolen vehicles and every so often they get a hit. Like the other day when an officer of the law did a random check on a car parked illegally in the roadway. Turns out that wasn’t the only illegal thing about it— the car was also stolen; 3700 block Margrave Road.

29204 An employee of Camp Bow Wow is all riled up because a stranger came in to use their bathroom. Some words were said, a confrontation was had, but the 37-year-old man decided his bowels just couldn’t wait and he unloaded in the Camp Bow Wow porcelain. We hope it was worth it, because, no happy camper, the employee wants to proceed with charges; 1900 block Taylor Street.

29203 Cops on patrol are cruising the streets of Columbia when they hit the jackpot. No, it’s not a drug deal or a stick up, it’s just what you’d expect in this town at 11 p.m.: a 58-year-old man passed out on the side of the street stinking like liquor. The cops scoop him up, toss him in the cruiser and haul him off to jail. High fives, we’re sure; 20000 block Academy Street.

29210 Some folks are saying we’re entering an economic recession, others say the economy is doing fine and some people want to bring us back to the Gold Standard. Well, either way, a local store clerk here was forced to detain a 42-year-old shoplifter for nabbing, among pieces of clothing, two packages of meat and a case of Bud Light. So taking that as a blatantly unscientific measurement of the economy, uh…“Vote Ron Paul” or whatever. Woo! Yeah… please don’t do that;1300 block Bush River Road.

29205 “I’m going to hit you with my car.” Don’t say that to somebody, it will only get you in trouble. Don’t believe us? Ask the 45-year-old idiot who told that to a woman this week during a verbal dispute. The lady also punched the other woman in the chest, but we like the first idea better; it makes for better copy; 1900 block Rosewood Drive.

29204 So, a 39-year-old woman is arguing with a 69-year-old man and the geezer gets pissed. So pissed in fact that he grabs a kitchen knife and stabs the lady in the chest. Holding her bosom as blood leaks through her shirt, the woman slumps down in a chair where the police find her and take her to the hospital. This bitter old man is charged with assault and battery with intent to kill and should probably be told that, no, Matlock is not available for council in this case; 500 block Ridgeway.

29205 Cops on a mission: Acting on a hot tip that a hobo had just entered an abandoned building, two officers decided to go sniff around a bit. Sure enough, after a Rambo-like recon mission, the officers found exactly what they were looking for: a 39-year-old homeless man sleeping in a building with no running water or electricity and “No trespassing” signs posted all over the place. They may not have hog-tied him, but they did take him downtown. Keep up the fantastic work! 2200 block Gervais Street.

29202 Crazed lunatic on the loose! OK, OK, that’s unfair. It turns out the missing person in this case isn’t exactly “crazed,” or for that matter, a “lunatic.” But the 37-year-old man who went missing this week is schizophrenic and does take six different kinds of medication and has been off them since he’s been, well, “on the loose.” His handlers say without the meds he becomes easily confused and is probably lost. Keep an eye out.